MEAC

Week 8 - October 21, 2006

by

Doomsday

I got assigned to work on this case with Roger, which wouldn't be such a bad thing considering he's a brother. But Roger ain't your average brother. He's a brother of "affluence". He's a brother that goes to all the office functions. He's a brother that walks with his booty tite. He's a brother that's dating an ofay chic with a flat booty. Ok, he's a straight up sellout. And I ain't one to call a brother a sellout, but he can't dance, doesn't drink kool-aid, eats ribs with a fork and knife, and he's a member of Alpha Beta or something.

Anyways, he was ecstatic about us two being paired up on this case. I decided to grin and bear it. But of course I had to get my picks out to Alpha 72 and as usual I was under the gun.

DOOMSDAY: Hey Raj, I need about an hour or so before we hook up on this case.

Roger {in nasal voice with perfect diction}: Are you going to smoke some weed?

I panicked and dragged him into the 7th floor janitor's closet.

DOOMSDAY: Man is you outcho mind?!? I don't smoke weed! Don't be saying that stuff out loud around here. I'll be stuck on the 7th floor withcho ass forever!

Carl the Janitor: DOOMS, my man!!! You wanna toke on this?

Now my cover was blown.

...so about eight minutes later the three of us were off giggling in search of something to eat. Just then I remembered I had to make the picks.

DOOMSDAY: Dudes, I gotta um, schitt, ummm, yeah, pick some of these black college games. Bring me back a sub or something.

Roger: Duuuuude, there's this show that comes on in about 15 minutes on cable where they pick black college games. I watch it so I can stay in touch with my people.

Carl the Janitor: Scheeeeet boooy, yo people live in caves in Europe.

Roger: No, really. Check it out dude. Let's order pizza and hit the 9th floor conference room.

DOOMSDAY: Fuggit. Hello, Domino's? Yeah, it's me again. Hey, send up the usual, but triple the order. That's right bitsch, triple it!

...15 minutes later we were in the 9th floor conference room eating like food was fin to go out of style and sure enough...

TV: Welcome to the S.O.S. show. Todays guest commentators are M.C. Hammer, Condoleeza Rice, Uncle Ruckus, and the Ying Yang Twins!

Me and Carl fell on the floor laughing. I asked Roger what the hell S.O.S. stood for. He said 

Roger: Dude, it's sellouts on sports.

I kid you not.

So I just took out my pen and took copious, thc laden notes.

Condoleeza: Gentlemen, I am aware of the games being played this weekend. I am aware that Florida A&M is playing Norfolk State in Norfolk. The fact is Norfolk State will face a very difficult challenge in trying to understand what FAMU has in terms of Albert Chester.

Ying Twin: HNUHHHHHH!!!???!!!!

Hammer: U can't touch this

Yang Twin: HNUHHHHHH!!!???!!!!

Hammer: U can't touch this

Condi: Gentlemen, please. Now Uncle Ruckus, who do you predict will prevail in this conflict of epic proportions?

Ruckus: Don't truss them new negras over there. Go with Norfolk. They is obviously got superior coaching talent. Dey coach aaaand dey quarterback is white.

Condi: OK, we'll predict that Norfolk will win this game. The next game on the slate pits Delaware State against Morgan State. Ying Yang Twins, would you like to venture a prediction as to a winner?

Yang Twin: Baby you shall is fine

Ying Twin: Coooo coooo cooo ah ah ah! HNUHHHHHH!!!???!!!!

Uncle Ruckus: Don't truss them two negras, over there...

Hammer: Morgan State will need to pray,
Just to make it through that day.

Condi: Thank you MC. So Delaware State will defeat Morgan State. What the?!?...

Condi has to swat Ying Twin's hand off her thigh. 

Ying Twin: HNUHHHHHH!!!???!!!! 

Condi: Can we have some decorum here gentlemen?

Yang Twin is setting up a stripper pole in the middle of the floor and eying Condi. His platinum teeth are shining as he grins mischeviously at her fine, internationally powerful physique.

Ruckus: Don't truss that fool negra, over there...

At this point I was half asleep (just like you are, faithful reader) but it was obvious that Condi and Roger were both oblivious as to what was fin to go down.

Condi: Gentlemen, let us keep our composure. We still have two games to go. Now, Howard will be playing at NC A&T's homecoming...

Ruckus' hand shoots up like a second grader that just got asked to spell "soup".

Ruckus: Ooooh ooohh !

Condi: Ok, Mr. Ruckus?

Ruckus: Don't truss them gold and blue negras, over there...

Hammer: Howard's too legit to quit. Get buck get buck, getbuckgetbuckgetbuck!!!

B. Angie B.: Hey heeeeeeyyyy!!!

Ying Yang Twins: something unintelligible

Condi: Gentlemen, please. OK, A&T will lose. There is one final game to predict. Hampton will be playing at S.C. State

By this time Hammer is up dancing with about a 50 piece band behind him and 28 dancers. He pulls a cord and his pants blow up and he floats into the sky. 

Hammer: Please Hampton, don't hurt 'em

Condi: MC, please...

Hammer (and probably you too since you knew it was coming): Stop, Hammer time!!

Hammer proceeded to go damn crazy on the floor. Ying handed Condi a drink and whispered something in her ear. I don't think she understood what the hell he said exactly but she turned to him and said..

Condi: I really hope that you will refrain from impugning my integrity. Thank you very much.

Condi's dumb @ss went and took a sip of that drank and about a minute and a half later she was climbing up that stripper poll like that creature in Alien.

Condi: Whhhhheeeeeeeeee!!! Get buck get buck, getbuckgetbuckgetbuck...

B. Angie B.: Heeeeeeeeeyyyyy!!!

Yang Twin: Just follow me down the yella brick skreet, where negras go to see nekkid secretaries of steat.

Ruckus: Just give me a lap dance, in mah chair...

Hammer: Pumps and a bump, pumps and a bump...