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MEAC
Week
5 -
September 30, 2006
by
Doomsday
---------Cue eerie
theme music---------
In the dead of night in a secret lair somewhere in Virginia Beach,
Virginia that was donated for free by the city of Virginia Beach,
Virginia, seven of the most dastardly evil super villains ever created
assemble in furtherance of accomplishing their ultimate dastardly goal:
the bastardization of Black College Football, one got d@mn game at a
time...
Collectively this abominable, detestable team of miscreants strike fear
into the hearts of fans conference wide. Instantly recognizable by their
striped shirts and too-tite polyester pants, they take their collective
name from the name of their corrupt, wicked and unscrupulous leader...
...They are simply known as...
THE REFS!!!!
{insert blood-curdling scream of terror here}
The leader of this ominous septet is known as... THE
REF!!!!
{insert blood-curdling scream of terror here too, along with a loud bang
on an organ or something}
THE REF!!!!-{blood-curdling
scream}- rises slowly, puts down his bloody Church's chicken leg and
speaks to his minions sounding like a cross between a vampire and a
runaway slave...
The Ref: Blah blah, I say
greatins! Y'alls knows de reasons we be heah tanite. Blah blah!!! Our goal
be to destroy de black college footballs and de anglish langwij alls at
wunce. Blah!!!
The Refs {collectively}:
Heah heah!!!
The Ref: Now dens, wese gots five hole gemms
to awfisheate dis week. Who a y'alls gonna do whut ta make shall black
collej football will continyah ta suffa?
The infamous, villanous official known as d-umpire, a former six-time
all-conference lineman at a certain hbcu, pours a whole bucket of Church's
chicken gizzards and pieces down his throat, chases it with a bottle of
Thunderbird, then rises and speaks:
D-Umpire: Duuhhhh,
hiccup, I'm gonna officiate duh FAMU and Tennessee State game. When Albert
Chester starts tuh bring duh Rattlers back in duh fourth quarter, duuuh,
I'm gonna call offensive pass interference tree plays in uh row. FAMU will
lose by four. Duhhhhh!!!!
The Refs {collectively}:
Hsssssssssss!!!!
The Ref: Blah blah, Youse
one dum eeee-bill muddah fluckah!!! I lubs it!! Blah!!! Mek shur ya calls
ho-in' on de offense too! I likes ho-in'. Blah!!! Neckst?!?
The ruthless, savage, bitchy and well-coordinated
"head" linesman, a former drum major for a certain hbcu, puts
down his raspberry torte and springs gracefully yet extravagantly to his
feet.
"Head"
linesman: Beeetch you knows I gots a good plan!!! Sheeaaat I gots A&T
at Norfolk State. Gurrl you ever notice how Norfolk is spelt Norfolk but
pronounce no-phuk? Sheeet beetch put me on the field with all them big
mens and the last thang out my mouth is no-phuk. Mo like SHO-PHUK!!!!!!
MMMkaaaayyyy?
The "head" linesman jumps around and gives
dap to the evil female supervillain known as baby got back judge and
starts playing with his nipples until the Ref blows his whistle and throws
a flag at the "head" linesman's nutz:
The Ref: twweeeettt!! Blah
blah, flag on de gay!!!! We has a ten yaud penity!! Ho-in', on de
"head" linesman. Blah, make yo pick an make it stick already!!!
"Head" linesman
(rolling his eyes and sucking his teeth and catching his breath): Well
excuuuuse me, a beetch just got carried away. I'ma distract A&T's
players by grabbing they butts every play. They'll miss so many tackles
ain't no way in hell they win. Norfolk by 25, mmmmmkkkaaayyy?!?
The Ref: Who be neckst?
Blaaahhh!
A fearsome, just d@mn evil sight indeed, the field
judge and side judge, two separate, evil @ss beings sharing but one brain
between them, stand and speak. Gradutes of a prominent hbcu, they used
only their good looks to get by. You might remember them as them two old
guys on campus and at the club every Thursday night that always dated
freshmen.
Field Judge and Side Judge: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh...
The Ref: twweeeettt!! Blah
blah, we has a fibe yaud penity fo jus plane dummness on you two
muddahphukas. Blah, jus pick mogan stet 'n Cookman! Blah!!
"Head"
Linesman: I...
The Ref: twweeeettt!!
Doneven staut!
Baby Got Back Judge: If
he can't start, can I? Sheeet, them dummies is foine!!!
Baby got back judge and the "head"
linesman again give each other dap, only to be hit in the head with
precisely pitched flags throw by the Ref.
The Ref: twweeeettt!! Blah
blah, Cookman by 35. Neckst?!?
The ly-in judge, an impeccably dressed yet
Machiavellian, manipulative, scheming scoundrel, eats a bite of his
lobster tail and washes it down with Dom Perignon 1989 and stands. A
former hbcu president, he found he could do more harm to hbcu football as
a whole as a line judge than as a college president that de-emphasized
athletics and dropped the athletic budget below that of the neighboring
high school.
The ly-in judge: Ahem,
greetings. I have been tasked with disrupting the most important game in
this week's slate. I, the ly-in judge have been given authority over the
game between Hampton and Delaware State...
{insert evil cackle here}
mmmmuuuuhhhhaaaahahahahahaha!
Yes, I will allow Delaware State to hold all game long while calling
penalty after penalty on Hampton, thereby allowing Delaware State to win
and throwing the whole meac conference into utter turmoil.
MMMuuuuhhahahahahahahaha!!!!
The Refs {collectively}: You eeeevil
muddaphuka!!!
The Ref: Blah blah, who is
de last? Blah, how could I forget? Neckst?!?
Baby Got Back Judge: I
got something you'll never forget. I could get the "head"
linesman back playing for the home team!!
Baby got back judge, a former overweight cheerleader
at your local hbcu, stands and makes her booty cheeks jump on cue.
DOOMSDAY: I said hot dammm!!!! What's Alpha's number
again?
{searches feverishly through Blackberry}
Baby Got Back Judge: I got Howard vs.
Savannah State. All I got to do is bend over every time Savannah State
takes a snap and their losing streak will continue.
DOOMSDAY (on cell phone): Yeah baby, can you make it
jump? Whatchu wearing? Take that isht off for daddy...
The Ref: Blah blah, I dun seent sabanna stet.
You wone hafta do schitt. But do it anuhway! Blah!
Suddenly the entrance to this evil den of iniquity
opens and in walks a portentous, menacing figure gnawing on a pickled
pig's foot while carrying the jar it came from in his other hand; the
brother of the ref, MEAC commissioner Dr. Dennis Thomas
{scream, piano, you know the drill}
Dr. Dennis Thomas:
Greetins my minions, y'alls is doin egsalad. I twide for sebral yeahs to
kill black collej footsball by coachin' souse kerolina steet and drivin
dem inta da groun. I figured runnin' dis heah confernce would work quicka.
Look heah, ifs you gots any eeeeeebil frens wansa joins dis heah gatherin
of supa villens, hab dem click heah:
http://www.meacsports.com/officials/unsecure/football/M...NG%20APPLICATION.pdf
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