MEAC

Week 4 - September 23

by

Doomsday

I had the munchies late the other night while at work. Let's not get into why I had the munchies. Anyway, it was close to one a.m. so I called the local bulletproof carryout establishment and ordered some wings. I got the wings and settled in front of the television in the lounge. A 15 minute break isn't gonna kill anybody. Besides, I'll just bill it to my client.

I flipped the channels until I got to ESPNNQU (ESPN, Not Quite U) and there was a coach's show on. Wait a minit...

Announcer: Spartaaannnn Leeegggioonnnn. Welcome to the Peeeettteee Adrian shooooowwww!

My first thought was "get the fluck outta here! I've gotta see this!"

On the screen sitting in a green director's chair in front of a plant and an NSU flag was Pete Adrian. There was an empty chair next to him. I sipped on my Gentleman Jack and sat back...

Announcer: Coooooaach Adriaaannn. Coooooaach Adriaaannn. We have a surprise guest for you this week. Pleeeeaaasssseee welcome Allllvvviinnnnn Wyyyyaaaatttt!!!

The next thing you know all hell broke loose. The Wildcat band came marching in playing "Let's Go Wildcats." The Wildcat dancers and cheerleaders were jumping around. The guy from "Chappelle's Show" that does the robot was running around doing the robot in a Wildcat jersey. Dr. Wylie T. Cat was doing the snake. The music stopped on a dime. Then two dancers rolled out a maroon carpet with gold trim. And out stepped Alvin "Shine" Wyatt.

When I say stepped, I mean STEPPED. This brother had on maroon and gold crocodile Stacey Adams with a matching two-toned crocodile belt, matching maroon slacks, a maroon vest with a brownish-gold trim, and a tight-fitting black short sleeved shirt underneath. He had on dark shades. He came out pointing to the shoes and belt...

Shine: I'm the crocodile hunter baby!! $chitt!!! I'm the mutha fluckin' man 'round here!!!

Cheers erupted from the crowd along with shouts of "go 'head shine!" and "do it baby!!!" The look on Adrian's face was almost undescribable. He looked kinda like if you just found your long-lost cousin but the reason he was long-lost was because you buried him alive in the desert.

Shine wasted no time. He pimped right up to Adrian and snapped his fingers. Three guys appeared. The first, a big brother with jersey that said 3000 on the back, came up and removed the other director's chair. The other two dragged in a velvet maroon throne with gold piping. One wiped off Shine's shoe and the other sprayed the air with Oust. The band played a short piece of "neck". They stopped on a dime.

Adrian (nervously): Hello Alvin.

Wyatt grinned at Adrian, but the look in his eyes was the same look you would imagine Mike Tyson had in his eyes when he told the reporter "I'ma fluck you until you love me you &itch." Then he spoke.

Shine: Hello my black @ss! If I wasn't heterosexual I'd fluck you til you loved me you &itch! Look at that got damm suit you wearin' Pete! I thought Sears quit selling by catalog! Tell yo Betsy Ross @ss mama to stick to sewing flags with her old @ss!

Adrian (flustered): That's a very nice suit you're wearing Alvin although it seems to be missing the jacket.

Shine: &itch this heah a seven piece suit!

Adrian: Sev...?

Shine: That's right Pete! You don't know $hit about this heah fashion. Let me demonstrate the finery you is unacquainted with. The first piece is the vest. Look closely Pete. Inside peanut butter, outside jelly...

Shine opened and closed the vest to show the colors. Women (and about two guys, both in the band) begged for Shine to completely disrobe. Adrian looked on attentively, like a student learning from the master.

...Pete, the next two pieces are the lower leg pieces. One flick of the wrist and...

Two loud zips and off came the lower portion of each pants leg. He was wearing...

instant muthafluckin' walking shorts! You see these socks Pete? Hell naw you can't see these socks!!! They thin socks, but they there. I know you see these maroon and gold sock garters holding them up. You can't recognize these socks just like you couldn't recognize that play Morgan kept running on our @ss for touchdown after touchdown that year. You remember that $chitt Pete?!?

Adrian: That's very exciting Alvin, let's get to picking this weeks'...

Shine: Shut the fluck up Pete. You always in a dam hurry. You was in a hurry to run off to that dam XFL. You remember that bullschitt Pete? Who tolded you that was some bullschitt and it wouldn't last?

Adrian: You did Alvin

Crowd: Oooooooohhhh

Shine: You got dam right I did Pete. But I took your sorry @ss back the next year didn't I Pete? Didn't I?!?

Adrian: You did.

Crowd: Preach it Shine!!

Shine: Well now your @ss can sit there and take this education on finery. You done seen three pieces, you probably wondering "how that boy hiding four more pieces? Check this good schitt out!

Two loud zips and each thigh section of the suit came off, revealing ripped thighs and reducing the length of the slacks to Bruce Jenner looking running shorts. I spit out my Jack on my lap.

Women and two dudes in band: I'm moist!!!!

Shine 3000: Rapp godfather!

Adrian (now somewhat interested and catching the spirit): You're still in good shape Alvin. What about the final two pieces?

Shine 3000 dragged a podium in front of the two as if on cue.

Shine (starting to feel the brotherhood between he and Adrian return): I thought you'd never ask, Coach Adrian. I'm sure many are wondering "where can that boy be hiding two pieces of a suit in them shote @ss shotes?" Well, wonder no more!!!

The Wildcat band started into "Let's Go Wildcats" and Shine jumped onto the podium and immediately ripped off most of the shorts, leaving only a codpiece. He started doing the snap to the screams of the crowd.

Shine: I betcha cain't do it like me!

Adrian (feet tapping to the beat): Wildcats, Lets Gooooooo!

Alpha 72 (perspiring and getting up to leave): Damn, he's fine. What's DOOMSDAY's number?

Tiki Barber (doing the running man): Why am I here?

Women and two dudes in band: I know why I'm here!!! Go Shine!!! It's my birthday!!

Marvin the Spartan: I'm going to blow up the studio.

DOOMSDAY (answering cell phone): Hello? Hey, yeah baby I just saw you on the t.v. believe it or not. You look good in them jeans. I'd like a closer look...

Announcer: Sit and be amazed as Coach Shine Wyatt contorts his torso in new and amazing ways. A spectacle for all your days. More potatoes than a bag of Lays.

Alpha 72 (on cell phone): ...can you make it here by five? Ok baby. Bring some Cold Duck

At this point I ran out of the room because I had, uh, another engagement. But I got a tape of the show and this is how it went down:

After about six minutes (two songs' worth) and 285 dollars tip money Shine went to take his seat. Dr. Wylie T. Cat wiped the sweat from Shine's brow as he spoke.

Shine (exhausted): I said hot dam!

Adrian: You still got it Coach!

Shine: Hell Pete, you ok in my book. I'd hug you but I'm dam near naked and as you know...

Crowd: Shine don't play that!

Adrian: Alvin, let's team up one more time and pick this week's MEAC games!

Shine: You said it Coach

Announcer: This week we have several MEAC matchups that pit higher division schools against lower division teaaaaammmms! Howard, A&T, Morgan and Winston-Salem State will be taking on teams they have no business playyyyiiiiing!

Wildcat band plays "Don't Waste Your Time" by the SOS Band.

Shine: All losers baby.

Tim Reid: Venus Flytrap says zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Announcer: Now as for the reeeeaallll matchups. First, SC State, with their bulldog backs agains the kennel wall, will take on Coastal Caroliiiiinnnaaaaa! Coaches?

Adrian and Shine: Necra puhlease!!!

Both jump up and do an elaborate high five dap-giving routine.

Announcer: I believe that's "jive" for Coastal in overtiiiimmmee! Aaannnnndd now, the moment we have all awaited, with breath that is baited, nothing further need be stated...

Adrian and Shine: Necra puhlease!!!

Announcer: I believe that's "jive" for Cookman in overtiiiimmmee! Spaaaarrrttaaaann Leeeegggiiooonnn!

Both bands started playing. Pete started dancing stiffly and awkwardly. The San Diego Chicken and Chubb Rock started stepping in the crowd. Pete took it off and he and Shine did the snake around the room while the credits ran...